A Letter To A Friend
Dear Mr. Southern Alligator Lizard,
Regarding your visit to my kitchen this morning, I have a few issues that I would like to discuss. First of all, you may not know that I quit smoking 10 weeks ago. This means that if you are going to visit my kitchen, please refrain from doing so until after I have applied my handy nicotine patch to my body and have enjoyed the refreshing rush of my addiction. Second, although your coloring might blend in with the great outdoors, it does not really shield you from detection when you are sitting on my tile floor. Third, I know all about you and your kind. You see, my cat has brought in a number of delightful visitors, and you sir are not one of them.
In the past I was a bit nervous about your kind. The Western Fence Lizard is polite and respectful when I pick him up and put him outside. However, whenever I saw a member of your family I thought you looked evil and just downright nasty. I chalked this up to lizard racism and tried to overcome this irrational fear until one day I tried to save a member of your family from certain death and was bit. You heard me, one of you fuckers bit my thumb. Hard enough to leave a mark for days. So then I did some research on your kind. I found out that Southern Alligator Lizards are fuckers and to be avoided. You have a reputation, you see. So when I use a kitchen towel to pick you up and put you outside, do NOT attempt to bite me you stupid fuck. I could kill you. Or let my cat kill you.
Now, I am not against all creatures of the outdoors. When Dude the cat brought in a fuzzy cottontail bunny I was very hospitable. When baby rats are drug in I try to make them comfortable outside my home. But you, Mr. BitTheHandThatTriesToSaveYou I have only two words: Fuck off. I hate you. Do not ever attempt to idle around in my kitchen again. Especially before my nicotine patch is applied. I have attached a picture in case you are unsure if this applies to you. You might be too stupid to know what kind of fucked up lizard you are.
Sincerely,
Sam
**Thanks to Joshua at http://jlpuhn.tripod.com for the lizard picture.
Regarding your visit to my kitchen this morning, I have a few issues that I would like to discuss. First of all, you may not know that I quit smoking 10 weeks ago. This means that if you are going to visit my kitchen, please refrain from doing so until after I have applied my handy nicotine patch to my body and have enjoyed the refreshing rush of my addiction. Second, although your coloring might blend in with the great outdoors, it does not really shield you from detection when you are sitting on my tile floor. Third, I know all about you and your kind. You see, my cat has brought in a number of delightful visitors, and you sir are not one of them.
In the past I was a bit nervous about your kind. The Western Fence Lizard is polite and respectful when I pick him up and put him outside. However, whenever I saw a member of your family I thought you looked evil and just downright nasty. I chalked this up to lizard racism and tried to overcome this irrational fear until one day I tried to save a member of your family from certain death and was bit. You heard me, one of you fuckers bit my thumb. Hard enough to leave a mark for days. So then I did some research on your kind. I found out that Southern Alligator Lizards are fuckers and to be avoided. You have a reputation, you see. So when I use a kitchen towel to pick you up and put you outside, do NOT attempt to bite me you stupid fuck. I could kill you. Or let my cat kill you.
Now, I am not against all creatures of the outdoors. When Dude the cat brought in a fuzzy cottontail bunny I was very hospitable. When baby rats are drug in I try to make them comfortable outside my home. But you, Mr. BitTheHandThatTriesToSaveYou I have only two words: Fuck off. I hate you. Do not ever attempt to idle around in my kitchen again. Especially before my nicotine patch is applied. I have attached a picture in case you are unsure if this applies to you. You might be too stupid to know what kind of fucked up lizard you are.
Sincerely,
Sam
**Thanks to Joshua at http://jlpuhn.tripod.com for the lizard picture.
posted by Sam at
12:28 PM
23 Comments:
what the hell are you gonna do with some creatures??? just arent thankful...
fuckers...
peace...
Dude probably just wanted a little cafe mocha... I mean damn, it was morning after all. :-) Have no idea whose blog led me here, but I think I'll come visit again... BTW - I keep reading about HNT and could you clue me in where the freakin' photos are posted?
Sam, I had one of those lizards on my house--the outside, thankfully. It scared me too! I took a picture of the one on my house. I'd be happy to share it with you. Sorry you intimidate me! I'm still going to read your blog though! ;)
Holy shit. I would have been freaking. I don't keep my cool well. He would have made me pee my pants.
Jesus! I just looked at the pic again as I was typing. Gave me the heebie geebies... yuck man. Yuck.
Good christ that was in your kitchen?
OH.HELL.NO.
Time to pack ya shit and get the fuck out.
Or at least I would.
I wouldn't be able to sleep thinking that nasty ass thing might somehow find its way back into my house and crawl up in my bed and under the blankets.
OMG! That is the right up there on the most-disgusting-ever list, and I'm quite sure, straight from the devil. Where in the hell do you live? I need to make sure I avoid that area. Damn it! Before I looked at that picture, I was getting close to being able to pee in the dark. The fear has returned! Yuck. How did it get in your kitchen! It doesn't have babies, does it??? I am most concernerd for you, but not enough to come check it out myself.... good luck w/ your little friend.. If you see him again, just step on him, or kill it w/ a frying pan!!
misty
If one of those crawled across my kitchen floor--you'd have more than just the lizard to pick up.
Holy mother of shit.
i am 6 foot and 1 inch tall. i weight over 250 lbs. i am not a small guy by any means. i am not known to be scared easily either.
two weeks ago, gathering a pile of weeds from the front drive i grabbed a bushel with two hands and when i did so uncovered a 2 foot long snake. i think i broke the neighbors hearing aid. i did not know that i could get that high pitched.
you could say i was a little startled.
Yeah, what kimmyk said. That's me too.
Mr. Southern Alligator Lizard - your ass is grass. Oh, you don't have an ass? Sorry.
LOL I'm in Michigan, but just in case you make it up here in some little kids backpack or something...what she said goes for me too.
sdk
That is one mean looking fucker. I would have let my cat kill him!
If I ever saw that little creature in my kitchen, I would have let out an ear-splitting scream, run around the house like crazy, stop to shudder violently, and resume my "run in terror" around the house like a gay man. Oh wait a minute, I'm gay after all. ;-)
Fortunately we don't have a lot of lizards up here in Maryland.
-Jesse
Did you eat him? With a little seasoning them critters are good eatin'.
I would've pissed myself, screamed like a banshee, and ran. And I'm still laughing at Opaco's account of the snake.
HOLY SHIT! that fucker is SCARY! In other queries...how's that patch workin' out for ya?
yep, i'm a brave brave man. when i know what is coming, startle me and i'll shit my pants.
I totally freaked out at the snake in my kitchen window. If that snake OR a lizard had actually made it inside my house I'd have died. Just died. It was bad enough when we found a skeletal rat under my kitchen sink a few months ago - it was probably there before we even moved in, but still. . . it took a long time for me to fall asleep for a few weeks. Critters are nasty. I'm totally in awe of the fact that you didn't run screaming like a nancy. I would've.
damn sam, i seriously thought having slugs in my kitchen was the WORST THING EVER. i am terrified of critters of that nature we don't have them here in vancouver. i am a pussy i admire your braveness.
Hey, it might taste like chicken.
My cat is fond of field mice. Unfortunately, the process of catching them before bringing them in, renders them slightly useless.
oh good gawd- i would have put the cat on that straight away.
(shudders)
Where the HECK are you!? Post sumthin damn it. Entertain me! Dance I say! Dance!
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home