Sooooo….what up? Nothing much here, just stuff…doing…the usual. Mostly trying to figure out how the bloody fucknut to write this post because OMG. I’ll start with the simply ridiculous and go progressively more difficult, okay?
I found an in-network audiologist by simultaneously calling our insurance company and utilizing the search engine on the company’s website. Guess who figured this shit out first? I remained on the phone only because I’m a smug bitch and I wanted to verify that really, 32 miles away is the closest audiologist. I politely thanked her for the redundant information and immediately called the phone number listed. I left a voice mail. Two days later I left another voice mail. Last week. I have yet to hear back from the audiologist and I am tired of wasting my xanax on the fuckers.
Normally I am not quite so stingy about in-network versus out of network because we put away approximately $3,000 each year into a FSA for medical expenses. However, we have done burnt that shit up, yo. Is all gone until January 2011. Therefore, I am trying to be more frugal. The very best way to be frugal when it comes to medical expenses is to call a doctor that will not ever: a) pick up the phone or b) call you the fuck back. A bloggy lurker whose name sounds likes Hairy Fin (yes I’m grateful AND crazy) emailed me and gave me some sage professional advice and a link to ASLHA. I’m not going to type it out because I am lazy.
I used an awesome search engine on ASLHA to find a speech/audiologist type person in my very town. Like, the same city name. Which is crazy because my city is not even a city. It’s like a zit on the ass of a teeny tiny prepubescent gnat. I sent this person an email right away, because even though she wasn’t in my insurance network emails do not require xanax. WIN!
Guess what happened next? Absolutely fucking nothing. No return calls. No emails. NOTHING. At this point I just would appreciate a simple exam by an audiologist and a result of: “Your child’s hearing is normal.” I know he can hear. It will make me feel better to rule it out and that is FINE, okay. FINE. Let me have this one, Jeremy.
Yesterday I took Chicken to the pediatrician for his annual check up and first ever manly ball feelage. I’m not sure what the proper terminology is but I’m sure you get the picture. “Drop your shorts, son.” The gloves SNAP on and oh boy I really felt bad for him. If only that was the worst part of the visit. Oh NOES it was not.
I asked the doctor about Egg because fuck I waited an hour and I wasn’t going to make another appointment so I decided to get a two-fer for my time. I explained that my insurance would not cover speech therapy for a developmental delay. I told him that the innernets had learned me about Early Start and requested information. “Oh, they only help with children that have autism and I’m pretty sure that Egg isn’t autistic so they won’t help you. You can wait until he is three and your local school district will help.”
Is your jaw on the floor? Because I think I heard a distinct CRACK when it hit the tile. But I’m a fucking MOTHER you fucker and if you are going to be an ignorant fucking fool I’m at least going to fuck you in the ass (and not in the fun way) until you give me SOME information. In the end I got a business card for a local speech therapy place and another phone number to something that I cannot currently remember because I am full of hate. Hold onto your hats and glasses boys and girls, because this shit gets dumber. More full of dumb and seriously I cannot for the life of me understand why I hate going to the doctor so much.
I gathered my wits and I asked the doctor about the Gardasil vaccine for Chicken. I had heard that it was now being recommended for boys as well as girls, in order to stop girls from getting HPV which can lead to cervical cancer. I’ve had two friends undergo procedures to have various hunks of pre-cancerous cervical tissue removed so this is a sensitive issue for me. However, Chicken is not going to put his penis in anyone’s vagina. I asked the doctor what the reasoning was behind vaccinating boys and listened to his reply. Then I asked, “Well since Chicken is allergic to girls, is there any reason for him to get the vaccine?” I was trying to be subtle and did not want to throw Chicken under the homo bus. The doctor said that yes, it would prevent certain strains of warty peen. In doctor language of course.
Then the doctor remarked that in the future, Chicken would no longer be allergic to girls and then the shot would be beneficial. Thanks, doctor for making me go there after you have already embarrassed the shit out of my kid by handling his balls. I said, “Um..no. Chicken is gay.” Awkward and stunned silence ensues. Chicken told me after the appointment that the doctor looked like someone had smacked a walrus in the face with a rather large mackerel. The doctor haltingly asked me, “How does he know?” and I really really REALLY had to hold back because I wanted to say, “Because he enjoys fucking other boys in the ass.” Can you imagine the response that would have garnered? Oh it would have been delish. However, I said, “The same way a thirteen year old boy knows that he likes girls.” Because I’m a nothing if not a proper lady at all times even under great stress. And then there was an awkward goodbye and exit by our former pediatrician.