Sooooo….what up? Nothing much here, just stuff…doing…the usual. Mostly trying to figure out how the bloody fucknut to write this post because OMG. I’ll start with the simply ridiculous and go progressively more difficult, okay?
I found an in-network audiologist by simultaneously calling our insurance company and utilizing the search engine on the company’s website. Guess who figured this shit out first? I remained on the phone only because I’m a smug bitch and I wanted to verify that really, 32 miles away is the closest audiologist. I politely thanked her for the redundant information and immediately called the phone number listed. I left a voice mail. Two days later I left another voice mail. Last week. I have yet to hear back from the audiologist and I am tired of wasting my xanax on the fuckers.
Normally I am not quite so stingy about in-network versus out of network because we put away approximately $3,000 each year into a FSA for medical expenses. However, we have done burnt that shit up, yo. Is all gone until January 2011. Therefore, I am trying to be more frugal. The very best way to be frugal when it comes to medical expenses is to call a doctor that will not ever: a) pick up the phone or b) call you the fuck back. A bloggy lurker whose name sounds likes Hairy Fin (yes I’m grateful AND crazy) emailed me and gave me some sage professional advice and a link to ASLHA. I’m not going to type it out because I am lazy.
I used an awesome search engine on ASLHA to find a speech/audiologist type person in my very town. Like, the same city name. Which is crazy because my city is not even a city. It’s like a zit on the ass of a teeny tiny prepubescent gnat. I sent this person an email right away, because even though she wasn’t in my insurance network emails do not require xanax. WIN!
Guess what happened next? Absolutely fucking nothing. No return calls. No emails. NOTHING. At this point I just would appreciate a simple exam by an audiologist and a result of: “Your child’s hearing is normal.” I know he can hear. It will make me feel better to rule it out and that is FINE, okay. FINE. Let me have this one, Jeremy.
Yesterday I took Chicken to the pediatrician for his annual check up and first ever manly ball feelage. I’m not sure what the proper terminology is but I’m sure you get the picture. “Drop your shorts, son.” The gloves SNAP on and oh boy I really felt bad for him. If only that was the worst part of the visit. Oh NOES it was not.
I asked the doctor about Egg because fuck I waited an hour and I wasn’t going to make another appointment so I decided to get a two-fer for my time. I explained that my insurance would not cover speech therapy for a developmental delay. I told him that the innernets had learned me about Early Start and requested information. “Oh, they only help with children that have autism and I’m pretty sure that Egg isn’t autistic so they won’t help you. You can wait until he is three and your local school district will help.”
Is your jaw on the floor? Because I think I heard a distinct CRACK when it hit the tile. But I’m a fucking MOTHER you fucker and if you are going to be an ignorant fucking fool I’m at least going to fuck you in the ass (and not in the fun way) until you give me SOME information. In the end I got a business card for a local speech therapy place and another phone number to something that I cannot currently remember because I am full of hate. Hold onto your hats and glasses boys and girls, because this shit gets dumber. More full of dumb and seriously I cannot for the life of me understand why I hate going to the doctor so much.
I gathered my wits and I asked the doctor about the Gardasil vaccine for Chicken. I had heard that it was now being recommended for boys as well as girls, in order to stop girls from getting HPV which can lead to cervical cancer. I’ve had two friends undergo procedures to have various hunks of pre-cancerous cervical tissue removed so this is a sensitive issue for me. However, Chicken is not going to put his penis in anyone’s vagina. I asked the doctor what the reasoning was behind vaccinating boys and listened to his reply. Then I asked, “Well since Chicken is allergic to girls, is there any reason for him to get the vaccine?” I was trying to be subtle and did not want to throw Chicken under the homo bus. The doctor said that yes, it would prevent certain strains of warty peen. In doctor language of course.
Then the doctor remarked that in the future, Chicken would no longer be allergic to girls and then the shot would be beneficial. Thanks, doctor for making me go there after you have already embarrassed the shit out of my kid by handling his balls. I said, “Um..no. Chicken is gay.” Awkward and stunned silence ensues. Chicken told me after the appointment that the doctor looked like someone had smacked a walrus in the face with a rather large mackerel. The doctor haltingly asked me, “How does he know?” and I really really REALLY had to hold back because I wanted to say, “Because he enjoys fucking other boys in the ass.” Can you imagine the response that would have garnered? Oh it would have been delish. However, I said, “The same way a thirteen year old boy knows that he likes girls.” Because I’m a nothing if not a proper lady at all times even under great stress. And then there was an awkward goodbye and exit by our former pediatrician.
sometimes even those of us allergic to girls – DO try them out on occassion!
Someone asked what’s wrong with the audiologists. Maybe they can’t hear. Ok yes I’m lame. What a dumb ass doctor. Time for a switch.
Well I guess I’m getting too stupid to post comments! [just lost my long version]
So I’ll shorten my version of my own Stupid-MD-office encounter:
Z injured his L knee while on summer visitation w/Father Dearest [of course I heard nothing about it but that's a bitch for another day, so we're now almost 4 wks post-injury]… I couldn’t decide whether to go thru pedi’s office for a probable ortho referral ANYWAY, or call my sports med dr straightaway. Just for fun, I called Big Group Pedi Practice, spent almost 10 min on hold before getting a major dose of Stupidity from receptionist: “you need to call closer to that date” when I tried to schedule an appt for next wk [when we get back from vacation].
Wound up w/a “Well-child” visit in 2.5 wks which I may or may not cancel, but I need to make certain Z needs no more vacc @ this age [12].
& I too, would like to discuss why in the HELL aren’t we vacc males for HPV? but once again, that’s a bitch for another day @ my own blog!
“How does he know?” is a dreadful question. DREADFUL. Not only because he would never have asked it if you’d said Chicken was straight, but also because WHY DOES HE NEED TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION? Of what relevance is it if Chicken “just knows” or if he got a PERSONAL SIGNED LETTER FROM BABY JESUS???
*pant pant*
Also, dr offices not calling back makes me BERSERK. It is hard enough to contact them at all, let alone AGAIN, when they have PEOPLE who are HIRED AND PAID to CALL BACK.
*pant pant*
Oh but he did get a personal letter from Baby Jesus. He did! I swear! It said:
Dear Chicken,
Penis is awesome! I’m sure you’ll like it.
Love,
Baby Jesus
EI does more than work with autism. Dude. I am so glad you are getting away from that doctor. I am just speechless! What an idiot.
Gardisil is scary, scary, scary. I don’t say that just because I don’t like vaccinations and choose not to shoot my kids up. Do tons of research on that one before you decide it’s worth it. Seriously.
AND
You do not need a pediatrician. You can have a general practitioner as a doc too, and things will be fine. I’m with you on the changing of the docs though. Not only do you need one that is going to listen to you, but you need one who is going to be respectful of Chicken. Grr.
peace…
Also, what’s wrong with all the audiologists?
Wow. This is why I think the medical system is fucked up. I assume this is the same idiot who told you that Egg had a speech delay. Now he’s unconcerned? Why even bother you then? I think his car needs keying. I’ll even give him a pass on his cluelessness for saying that someday Chicken would not be allergic to girls but the “how does he know?” thing merits a smack in the head (at least). Time to find a new doctor.
I don’t think that Chicken needs any unnecessary vaccinations to ward off any diseases. He is going to travel the same adolescent road we all did once ago… The less medication one needs to take the better. He better not be “puttin it” in any location any time soon.
Keep the faith with your search for answers. But stay out of your head…
Don’t you love the 2010 theme. It does all kinds of things. When you learn how all the widgets and boxes work.
Jeremy
You do such a great job at making things funny, even when what you’re going through isn’t funny at all. I am SO sorry for all the awfulness you’re trying to navigate! Please tell me if there is something I can do to help
And in the meantime, imagining you actually giving that response to your doctor is going to get me through some tough times of my own, your humor is such a blessing. My thoughts are with you all!
Firstly, let me say that I JUST switched to this same WP theme like two days ago. No shit. I only yesterday got rid of that country road apple orchard bullshit picture. We are twinsies. Minus the country road apple orchard bullshit.
That speech therapy bullshit is bullshit. I hate doctors with all their smug god complexes. And OMG, I would be firing that pediatrician right along with you. “How does he know?” For serious? Makes me want to kick him in the throat. It’s idiotic that he would even assume and SAY something like that Chicken eventually would not be allergic to girls. I don’t understand how this is the default or something that’s okay to assume.
Also, my back is fucked up, and I’m on narcotics and almost asleep, so I’m sorry I don’t make sense (probably).
Zzzzz
I must go see what you did to the stupid picture! I am going to change mine into something awesome and fabulous with the power of homo. You know, when I have time. Like after my kid starts FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL NEXT WEEK ZOMGWTFBBQ.
Sprog had to do his “turn your head and cough” appt before the school year started his freshman year, only we thought we were just there for some vaccinations he needed; imagine his surprise!
I got him vaccinated against meningitis but I didn’t even think about the whole HPV thing and he does dig girls so now I guess I have to.