I went to the Wild Animal Park today with Egg and a friend. We went at the end of the day and the place was nearly deserted. I love having an annual pass. The weather was perfect, Egg was elated, and then there was the sex.
The first sexual encounter occurred in the small aviary that is right inside the entrance to the park. We were standing there, gawking at all the pretty birds when one RAN straight at me. I thought it was running from something, and assumed it would run right on by me. But, no. It stopped in front of me, and hunkered down with its wings slightly spread. It was the size of a medium chicken, and when you walk up to a chicken and it does that, it wants some loving. But we don’t fuck chickens at my house. We pet them and walk on to do other things. This bird was having none of that and stood there waiting.
Now, I’m not a fan of birds in general. I like chickens, but birds? Not really. Most birds have sharp beaks and tiny pea brains. Some birds have sharp talons and lentil sized brains. All of this adds up to the fact that birds can hurt you and they aren’t smart enough to know that you will cook and eat them. But chickens are nice, with dull beaks that don’t hurt much even when they’re pissed off at you. Plus they are tasty when cooked and eaten.
This bird waited patiently while Egg, my friend, and I stared uncomfortably at it. Finally, I reached down and attempted to pet it. I assumed that I would touch nothing but air, because WILD BIRD living at Wild Animal Park. However, it let me pet it. Multiple times I petted this wild assed bird while it waited for MORE.
Finally, I just picked it up like it was a chicken. I held its wings at its sides and plopped it under my arm and against my side. It did not like being picked up and did the flappy wing freak thing, so I dropped it gently to the ground and it took off back to its living area. It was totally fucking bizarre, so I took a picture of it to share with you all. Look! It has a horn on top of its head. WTF, bird?
Later we visited the lions. They were sleeping on their car and right in front of us. No, I have no idea why the lions have their own car. Every time I see them at the Wild Animal Park, they’re on their car. We took a few pictures and then walked around to a different vantage point. That’s when it happened.
Mrs. Lion (I’m assuming they’re married for the sake of all the innocent children that visit) got up, stretched, and slid gracefully to the ground. Mr. Lion got a good view of Mrs. Lion’s backside. Mr. Lion decided he wanted a piece of that, jumped down and OMG Mr. LION YOU HAVE A BONER. Then we stared HORRIFIED and FASCINATED as Mr. Lion gave us a profile view of LION SEX.
First, I must say this: Mr. Lion’s penis was not impressive. I assumed the King of the Jungle would be well equipped. Nope. Then the sex was brief, without any RAWR, and then they laid down like standing was just too much work. Boring! Boo! But still OMG Lion SEX. WHY?! We began walking back to the elevator when two older women asked us where the lion exhibit was located. We indicated the general direction and then I was compelled to have this embarrassing exchange:
Sam: The lions are over there. *gestures* And they’re busy. *gives them the lion are fucking eyes*
Lady 1: They’re busy? *totally clueless*
Sam: Yes, they’re busy. *tone of voice attempting to explain FUCKING LIONS OMG*
Lady 2: Oh. They’re busy. *totally gets it*
Lady 1: They’re busy? *still clueless*
Lady 2: Yeah, the gorillas were busy too. *tone of voice clearly saying OMG GORILLAS FUCKING*
Lady 1: *finally gets it*
We continue walking as my friend and I realize that we just missed gorillas fucking by 10 minutes. And we’re glad.