You might remember that I nicknamed Adam’s paternal grandmother “Bad Grandma” several years ago. I had not yet met her, but I had heard enough stories from family members to coin the name. Adam’s father enjoyed the tales of Bad Grandma until he heard ME use the term. After that he was offended and upset. Because I’m a fucking whore and his mother is The Virgin Mary.
Bad Grandma is famous for her gifts. One year she gave Adam a blanket and explained to him the amount of time and effort that she put into hand-crafting it. Adam found a tag on the blanket, from a retail store. Bad Grandma not only gives bad gifts, but she is the type of person that will visit your home and ask about the gifts. She wants to see them on display or in use. Adam’s father and stepmother carefully set out her gifts when she visits, which thankfully is not often because she lives in Utah. I don’t play that game. If you give me shit, I’m going to take it back to Goodwill, throw it back in the trash, etc.
We had dinner with Bad Grandma, and Adam’s father’s family tonight. It was mercifully short, and out at a restaurant where we could quickly flee when Egg’s bedtime loomed. At the beginning of dinner Bad Grandma sat next to me and told me that she had something for Egg. It was a book that had belonged to Adam when he was a small child, and Bad Grandma had “tucked it away” until today. I was suspicious, as Adam’s mom seemed to have all of Adam’s old things. Many of Adam’s books are now in Egg’s bookshelf.
When I opened the gift bag containing the treasured book, I noticed two things: it smelled like it was old enough to be Adam’s childhood book, and it was a board book. It was a plush board book, and appeared brand new even though it smelled BAD. Chicken had board books when he was a toddler, but I was fairly certain that they had not been around when Adam was. I’m pretty awesome with the Google searching, so even though there was no title page I began to search for the book.
Minutes later, I found this at Amazon. “Mandy Monkey” is a plush covered board book that was first published in March 2004. Now, I may kid Adam about how young he is but he’s not THAT young. So I’m sitting here with a stinky used* book that definitely did not belong to my husband. My super tender preggo feelings are hurt. I don’t like it when people look me in the face and lie. So tell me, innernets: Why did Bad Grandma lie? (There is a poll embedded in this post.)
*I have no problem with used or second-hand items. Egg has many toys and clothing items that have been handed down to him or purchased gently used. This is okay! I like getting the most use out of things that are already cluttering up our planet, as opposed to buying new things. Unless the things are grossly dirty (and unable to be washed), or smell like ass (and unable to be washed), or for new babies and appearing to be covered with more germs than an elementary school.