I don’t remember if I was overly emotional when I was pregnant with Chicken, but I do remember not being weepy with Egg. Every time I heard a pregnant woman writing on the innernets about crying while watching commercials for deodorant I was mystified. With this pregnancy, I completely understand. I cry watching regular television. I cried at the end of Elf the other day. I am NOT a crier, so all these tears of emotion over nothing is weird for me.
Today I cried in a busy medical building. In front of everyone, walking down the hall, in the elevator, tears pouring down my Ugly Cry Face. In front of the doctor that made me cry, in front of poor Chicken and bewildered Egg, all the way to the car and then IN the car for a good half hour. For a bit I wondered if I was going to be able to drive home. I was in San Diego, the traffic was crap, and the weather was crappier. I was not driving while crying, no way.
I was crying out of sheer fucking frustration. Remember how I had to stop taking Zoloft because of the severe stomach pain? I went through a month of withdrawal while thinking HOLY FUCK my poor fetbryo. I started taking 25mg of Elavil, then bumped it up to 50mg. My shrink said that if that didn’t work she didn’t feel comfortable giving me any other medication. She didn’t feel comfortable prescribing Prozac to me. I prayed to my agnostic god that the Elavil would work.
I discussed it with my OB, who said that he preferred Zoloft or Prozac. (I love how doctors are all on the same page regarding medication during pregnancy!) Obviously, I cannot take Zoloft and I did not want to try another new drug during pregnancy, potentially go through withdrawal, and torment the fetbryo AGAIN. He wouldn’t touch a prescription for brain meds in any case. He referred me to the Maternal-Fetal Medicine High Risk Obstetrics practice at Sharp in San Diego to work with me on the medication. If you’re the math type, you might have noticed that TWO doctors have practiced CYA medicine thus far.
I waited three weeks for an appointment at Sharp. During that time I bumped up my Elavil dosage to 75mg and found that this is the minimum amount I needed to stay out of the looney bin or jail. I attempted to make an appointment with my shrink, because I’m going to run out of meds at that rate. My shrink doesn’t have an appointment until AFTER I run out of meds. *insert frustrating conversations with her office person here* I ask to be put on the cancellation list. Yes, my shrink charges $145 for a fifteen minute appointment and can DO NOTHING for me without that appointment. Getting a new shrink is on my New Year’s Resolution list.
This morning I get an appointment with my shrink for tomorrow. I have 50mg left of Elavil, which will keep me from having serious issues until tomorrow morning. This is my back-up plan in case something goes wrong with the people at Sharp. I don’t know if my shrink will even give me a prescription for 75mg of Elavil. If she only gives me 50mg I’m fucked. My appointment with Sharp was scheduled for this afternoon. You know, the one that I left sobbing? That one.