Hulk SMASH

If you follow me on Twitter, you might have heard about my adventures with a shovel this morning. Here is the tale without the 140 character limitation.

Chicken had to be at school early this morning to pick up this semester’s schedule. Egg and I arrived home by seven am, and I decided to feed the chickens. This is supposed to be Chicken’s job, but I knew that he was a total fucking slacker. Without me holding his figurative fucking hand while he completes his chores they don’t happen. Yes, I am bitter. I took off my Ugg’s, put on outside flip flops in size 13 and fed the chickens. It takes 60 seconds, tops.

In that time Egg decided to show interest in the sliding glass door lock. His interest took the form of him locking it. He had never ever shown interest in the door. He didn’t open it, he didn’t shut it, and he had certainly never locked it. As a novice door locker, he had no idea how to reverse his new skill and go with the whole unlocking game. Plus, he’s short. He barely reached the lock in the first place, much less tall enough with the finger strength to unlock it.

For a while I had some hope that I could convince him to push UP on the lock. “UP! Egg! UP! No! Not down! UP!” Then Egg looked at me and brought my attention to his feet. He had gotten my Ugg’s on his feet all by himself. He was super proud, and tottered off to the couch. He climbed on the couch, grabbed a book, and begin to happily read. As I became more frantic, banging on the sliding glass door and yelling, he would simply look over at me and smile. He’s a very happy toddler.

I began to assess the level of my fuckage in earnest at some point. It was a little after seven in the morning, I was wearing pajama bottoms, socks, a tank top, and a sweatshirt. It was just below 40 degrees outside. My phone was in the house. My next door neighbor usually gets up at 8 with her kids, and her bedroom is on the other side of the house. We have a padlock on our side gate, and my keys were inside. It is possible to jump the fence, but not advised when pregnant. Even if I would have jumped the fence, I would be faced with a locked front door. A nearby friend has a key, but I don’t have the phone number memorized to call her. Walking, without shoes, in the cold, down her muddy dirt road would mean leaving Egg in the house alone for at least 30 minutes if everything else went well.

Therefore, my level of fuckage was great. Now my job was to decide which window I would have to bust in order to get inside, and what I would use to break it. I decided that one of my small bedroom windows would have the least impact on heating the rest of the house, and hopefully wouldn’t be horrifically expensive to replace. I went in search of a weapon, and found one on the side of the house: an old shovel. First I angrily ripped the screen out of the window, ripping the fuck out of it while doing so. I was pissed. Pissed that I was stuck outside, pissed that my kid locked me outside and had no idea what was going on, and just generally fucking annoyed.

Note: It is not advisable to take a shovel to a window when you are seriously pissed. The range of shattered glass will astound you.

I took that motherfucking shovel, and I bashed the window in with every pissed off fiber of my being. The window was double paned glass, and I thought it would take a few swings before it shattered effectively. Oh no. It did not. I bashed the living fuck out of that window, and then I bashed around the edges. I didn’t want to cut myself climbing in the damn thing. Egg heard the commotion and walked into my bedroom toward the sound, making unhappy noises. I yelled at him to stay out of my room as I didn’t want him hurt by the flying glass. Finally, I took off my sweatshirt, laid it over the broken edge of the window, and crawled inside. I was still pissed off, but at least I was in the house. Egg was fine. My cuts were minor. The clean up was legendary. The frame is approximately 48″H x 25″W. I didn’t bust all the glass out at the top because I knew it wouldn’t be in my way. I’m taking it to a glass repair shop in the morning, hopefully it will be less than $100.

Adam installed a lock box in our backyard today with keys to the side gate and front door. It’s a combination box, so as long as I can remember the code to open it I will no longer have to HULK SMASH! windows. While entertaining for the masses, it is not how I want to spend my mornings.

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