There is a young man named John* that Chicken and I met through a gay-friendly organization that is in serious need of help. He’s a freshman in high school, and just came out at the beginning of this school year. His family has been very involved in a conservative anti-gay church, and when they found out that he was gay all hell broke loose. John lost his friends, his mother lost all but two of her friends. He couldn’t take the bullying at school, and his mom home schooled him for the rest of the semester.
We met John and his mother over the semester break. Chicken and John exchanged phone numbers, and John’s mother said that he was coming back to school (Chicken’s school) in January. I told Chicken to take John under his wing (no pun intended) and I thought that was the end of it. Chicken’s school is fairly gay friendly, he started a GSA there and he has a wide group of friends. I told John and his mother the last time I saw them that John would have to be confident in himself or he would be eaten alive, no matter what high school he attended.
The semester started in early January. John has already been pulled from Chicken’s school by his mother due to bullying. John never contacted Chicken or returned his texts. I received a worried email from the head of the gay friendly group wondering about the bullying and anti-gay climate at Chicken’s high school. And I’m unreasonably pissed off.
I’m angry at John’s mom, not at the school, not at the bullies. John is the type of kid that would cry and fall over if you stared at him too hard. He’s a gay teenager that has been raised in an anti-gay climate for his whole life. All his friends and most of his parents’ friends have turned away from him because he’s gay. And I blame his mother. She chose to raise him among people that hated gays, and it was acceptable because it wasn’t THEM. They weren’t gay, so it was okay to hate gays.
I’m glad that she is supporting her son, but she taught him that to be gay is to be ashamed and against God. He appears to have zero self-confidence, and no matter what his perceived difference is he will be bullied in high school. It could be the color of his hair. He’s ashamed of who he is, and teenagers (like mommy bloggers) smell fear like blood in the water. I feel sorry for John, but I want to smack his mother. Of course, she has requested my phone number because she wants her son to have gay and gay friendly friends. I think that having gay-friendly friends is a prerequisite to being a decent fucking human being, but that’s just pregnant and pissy Sam I suppose.
How does Chicken deal with bullying in high school? Well, imagine me (now) in high school. The people that know Chicken are surprised by how much the two of us are alike. When Chicken hears comments like “You’re SO GAAAAAY!!!1!” or “faggot!” he replies with a variety of retorts:
- Fuck yes I’m gay. What’s your point?
- And who the fuck are you?
- *flips them off and motions sticking fist in their ass*
I asked Chicken for a comment as he said:”You have to talk to them like you want to put it in them. It scares the crap out of them. It is like the shark trying to eat the fish and the fish kicks the sharks ass.” Chicken occasionally gets his ass slapped (playfully, not painfully) in his PE class by other guys. He responds with a super flamboyant, “Oh thank YOU ma’am.” He is a confident young man and he doesn’t take shit. He surrounds himself with friends that stand up for him, and he has always had support at home. I’m proud of my son, my friends are proud of him, and he knows it. He walks it every day at school. And that is how he is successful.
*Obviously, not his real name.
A little on/off topic. This reminded me of the last episode of “Glee” that I watched. I so wanted the Chris Colfer character to stand up for himself. The episode showed so many of his friends rallying around him as he was being bullied and he couldn’t do it for himself. I thought it would be a great example if the entire group including Chris could confront the bully. I think it would have been helpful for a lot of kids if the writers would have shown that the “victim” can advocate for him/herself. I was bullied and the only way it stopped was when I stood up and said “Fuck this and fuck you.” It took away their power. It’s so so sad that it is such a hard world out there for people who are perceived as different. Chicken is light years ahead of his peers (but you probably already know this —
Part of Jeremy’s comment stung me like a whip:
“You just can’t pull a kid from community and expect him to grow up at home.”
I need to make a follow-up post about my neighbor’s doomed kids but I just haven’t had the heart for it…
http://endurovet.blogspot.com/2010/09/in-lot-of-ways-large-part-of-my-job-is.html
(Oh, & of course The Chicken is awesome!!! I’d give him a big fat kiss if I could!)
“I think that having gay-friendly friends is a prerequisite to being a decent fucking human being.”
EXACTLY.
Amen, sister!
Agree 1million%
Oh my HELL I can’t believe that being gay is still An Issue for some people. What the hell is wrong with our society? And I get especially pissy when people band together to HATE gays in the name of religion.
In any case, poor John. And Chicken rocks, which is in large part to his wonderful mother.
Using God as an excuse to hate any group is wrong. That’s probably how I ended up with an atheist teenager.
six years of hearing about the awesome Chicken is and boy he is, i can’t wait to meet him someday and his amazing mom.
BlogHer 2011! Come on down!!
Chicken is pretty awesome, but some of all of this is nature rather than nurture. I was a pretty shy kid, and I see my daughter (she’s 4) being the same way. She tells me how uncomfortable it makes her to talk to people she doesn’t know. But she can’t stop herself from arguing, so I know she’ll either be just fine or a much hated know-it-all. I suspect John has other confidence issues – some of which may be due to the atmosphere in which he was raised. I’d say he’s fairly courageous in coming out at all – maybe he shot his wad, so to speak. I hope he’ll be able to find his way, and even if he continues to be homeschooled, I hope he’ll hang out with Chicken some. Having a good example of how to be self-assured would probably help.
I agree with the nature vs nurture and it being a factor. But I’m still laughing at the “maybe he shot his wad” so I’m having trouble being serious.
Others have beaten me to it: your son is awesome.
Your kid ROCKS.
The rest of the story made me sad though.
So John will have mommy issues up the ass when he grows up. The beginning of self knowledge may come by the help of others. If John needs to learn how to act in public, he has to be part of that public. You just can’t pull a kid from community and expect him to grow up at home.
Why can’t John come and visit chicken at home, maybe they can go to school together, like minds will feed off one another. Mom needs a good kick in the ass too. Maybe some time with a PFLAG member. You’re gonna have to reprogram both of them.
It’s not the end of the world. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. John is gonna have to find his way into the world and trial by error it until he learns to tell his bullies to go fuck themselves.
Maybe the GSA can do something for him on campus. Maybe if we call out the bullies in public and chastise them openly – you can make progress. Someone’s gonna have to make a stand, and if John can’t do it alone, then there is strength in numbers.
You can’t educate gay into a child without somewhere for him to work it all out. This kid is gonna be scarred for life if he doesn’t get out there and experience life, you can’t coddle a child forever. He needs a few cans of whoop ass…
What else can we do for him now?
Jeremy
So sad about John. Or about John’s family. It’s good to hear that his mom didn’t totally abandon and ditch him but yet she’s spent years and years telling him basically that he’s not ok just like he is and no matter who he has sex with and it’s not going to be easy to undo all that damage. Sounds like the family could benefit from some counseling. I also hugely admire how you parent your children and I’m always blown away by how fabulous Chicken is.
I’m so proud of my kid. He drives me NUTS like any teenager, but he’s awesome.
John is going to counseling, and that’s a good thing. But the kid needs friends and support. He’s not going to get enough sitting at home.