I need some advice please. Chicken has a friend that is considering becoming sexually active with her boyfriend. Her parents aren’t comfortable talking to her about sex. She knows that she should use condoms and potentially start taking birth control. The nearest Planned Parenthood is a thirty minute drive away, and she isn’t old enough to drive. She has confided in Chicken, and he has urged her to talk to me. I can give her advice, but should I help her? My hypothetical options are:
a) talk to her about sex and her options
b) help her get condoms so she can have safe(r) sex
c) help her get to a Planned Parenthood
I don’t even know the legal ramifications of taking a minor that is not my child to Planned Parenthood. I know that the legal age of consent in California is 18. I’m feeling lost because I haven’t ever thought about this situation. Chicken and I talk about all of these things and more. His girlfriends come to me with questions about boys, sex, and relationships. I’d prefer that they all wait until they are adults, and I tell them as much. I tell them why they should wait until they’re older. But I’m not naive-I know that teenagers do have sex. I want them to understand how to protect themselves if they choose to become sexually active. I’d like to know what the fuck their parents are thinking.
Chicken was talking with some friends about using condoms and they did not realize that condoms are needed in gay relations. Apparently in high school the belief is that condoms are only needed to avoid pregnancy. I talked about this on Twitter one night and a friend discussed this with her children. She was astonished to realize that her children also didn’t realize that condoms were used by gay couples. If you’re not talking to your children they are most likely getting their information from their uneducated peers. Don’t leave this to chance.
I’ll get off my soap box and ask you to get on yours: what would you do if someone’s child came to you needing help and advice?
Came here from Swistle’s link. This is a fascinating issue! I have never given this a moment of thought, as my oldest is only 5. (Though her neighbor friend, age 6, has come to me about emotional difficulties she’s having through her parents’ divorce, gulp!)
My thoughts are very similar to others’ comments. Here is what I’d add to the mix:
If she did come directly to you, I’d give the same advice you describe (I think it’s safest and in your best interest to wait, sex can be much harder to deal with than you expect, etc.) and answer basic questions factually.
BUT, I would make sure to find out why she can’t talk to her parents. If her parents are pro-abstinence and anti-information (woe), and have made their position clear, then I’d give her information and ideas for making all of the right decisions (how to get to Planned Parenthood, what books might be available at the library, and so on) without actually doing anything FOR her. I do feel that it is crossing a line to physically take someone’s child somewhere that they do not approve of, or physically providing them with supplies they do not approve of.
On the other hand, if she is just embarrassed to talk to her parents or is afraid of how they’ll respond without actually knowing how they feel about it, I would very strongly encourage her to talk with them anyhow. Depending on the relationship between the families, I might also give them a head’s up. It would not be necessary to tell them everything she said, or what she’s planning on, but AS LONG AS you were reasonably sure you wouldn’t be worsening the situation for her, you might mention that Chicken told you she’d been looking for information, and you were concerned for her. It is possible that they are just completely clueless and would WANT to talk to her about it. I’m trying to imagine a situation in which my child was afraid to talk to me but they were potentially in some kind of danger. If they went to another trusted adult, I’d SURELY want to be alerted that I should be talking to my kid. But I’d also appreciate very much that parent being there for my child and talking to them instead of turning them away.
Good luck!
Came here from Swistle (now subscribing, thanks Swistle!) and her comment is definitely along the lines of what I’m thinking.
First, I would double-check the legality issue, you want to make sure that if she comes clean to her parents, you aren’t dragged into court. But I think in most cases, you are protected here. You could probably find out for sure just by calling PP. Also to be safe, I’d ask her to bring a trusted friend with her and then put them in a cab with fare to get to PP and back. If she’s scared and wants you to go with her, go with her (as long as you’ve checked the legalities). I would also counsel her to wait but give her the good reasons for waiting, not the crappy church version. And since we can’t count on her education in this area, let her know that she can catch life-threatening infections even just from giving oral. You can also direct her to the school nurse who will typically provide some education and condoms.
Maybe the parents will find out, maybe they’ll be pissed but in a family that doesn’t talk about sex, imagine the fallout if she got pregnant or caught an STD.
In the end, it takes a village.
It seems to me that at the very least, if she comes to you asking about sex, you could tell her what you tell the other kids — you advise waiting until she’s an adult and why, but if she does decide to have sex here’s what she needs to know about safety. That seems like a perfectly reasonable, unobjectionable response from an adult to someone else’s child. As for giving her condoms, if you don’t want to take that responsibility, couldn’t you make them easily available to her — give some to Chicken with the hint that he’s encouraged to pass them on to friends if he knows they’re planning to have sex, or something like that?
I like much of Swistle’s advice. Practically, the main things I have to add are:
I will ALWAYS come down on the side of answering questions honestly and fully. While I can (reluctantly) acknowledge that there are parents who choose to not talk about this with their kids, the danger that comes from allowing misinformation to proliferate can be severe, and goes way beyond respecting other people’s parenting styles. (The gay sex requires no condoms thing is chilling, and I am SO glad that Chicken is helping to spread the word to keep him and his friends safe.) Kids who want to have sex WILL have sex – not talking to them about it means they have an additional hurdle in the way of staying safe, and it can make it harder for them to feel comfortable in saying ‘no’, ‘not this time’, or ‘not that’. However, it doesn’t make HAVING sex any more difficult.
The education department of the Planned Parenthood should be able to help – they may have someone she can talk to directly if she wants, resources for you, and they’ll be able to advise you as to whether there’s any legal vulnerability on your end of things. Plus, while pills and an exam will almost certainly cost more elsewhere, the Health Center staff may know of a place where she can get an Rx locally, or at least get the Rx filled locally if she decides that she wants to go ahead.
Since you asked… I have a 14 year old daughter. If she felt she couldn’t talk to me about sex and went to another mom, I would appreciate her getting good information. If you encouraged or helped her to buy condoms or go on the pill without my knowledge, I would be furious. That is way overstepping what a non-parent should do, IMO.
If she isn’t mature enough to bring the subject up with her parents, she sure as hell isn’t mature enough to be having sex. And if she asked me, I would tell her that, and suggest some alternatives.
I would buy “Chicken” a nice variety of condoms and have him pass them along as appropriate. That way you can give her some of the resources that she needs without intervening as a parent. I’m the same kind of parent as you, so I think that the friend needs all the help she can get to make a responsible choice and follow through with the resources to make responsible actions. However, I can totally see her parents flipping out if they ever found out about you buying her something directly, or providing knowing transportation for something like planned parenthood. If the condoms come from a friend, however, it’s much less of you “interfering” and more of her being resourceful.
I think that should the girl get the courage to come to you it may be important to ask her what the sex talk disconnect in the family is. Is she simply embarrassed? Are her parents strict about abstinence PERIOD? are they just really awkward? The reason for why she isn’t going to them I think will help give you a platform to start from with her.
I’m usually a fence-sitter for giving other peoples’ kids advice. But I’ll throw in my opinion because I like to see myself type.
In this case, my daughter has a friend whose mother is quite aware that she has no idea how to broach the sex subject. She ASKED for help in consoling her daughter in areas where she felt she lacked practical knowledge. To summarize: my baby momma is doing a great job in dispelling mysteries of Boys and all the trouble their dicks cause the women of tomorrow, but I digress.
If I were being approached for advice of this nature, my immediate reaction is to send them back to their parents. If they’re not comfortable talking about it, well I would call their parents and see if they need some help. This is about as far as I would take it unless said parents actively *asked* for my help. Then, if they know me at all, they definitely wouldn’t ask me to explain shit for them ever again.
I certainly wouldn’t want my kids going elsewhere for advice, but I also still remember how hard it is to confide in your parents…especially about sex.
Ugh, this is a tough one. As a parent, I would be LIVID if someone got involved in the health of my child without my knowing about it.
While you and I may not agree that NOT talking to kids about sex is bad parenting, her parents obviously disagree and think they’re doing a good job or that it’s the right thing to not talk about sex with her. Everyone has different parenting styles; who are we to say what’s right and what’s wrong, you know?
That being said, I think if she comes to you on her own, seeking advice, it IS your responsibility to talk openly with her about all her concerns, her options, etc. But as for physically taking her somewhere? That’s just not something I personally would want to get involved in.
I think the responsible thing to do is listen to her. You know where the resources are to get them to her. Reproductive health is important and if she isn’t getting what she needs at home, then she has to get it from somewhere else.
Would you rather her learn it from people who might not be fully informed? There is the fine line of whether or not you should cross it. If I were you, in sober terms, I would do what I could to make sure she get the help she needs whether it comes from you or planned parenthood.
You are a mother and if you have her trust in this situation, I would reach out and try to help her. It’s the right thing to do.
The other posters above have already given you sound advice.
Sometimes we have to be educator and parent.
Jeremy
This is all under reproductive health care with is fine and legal. She should be seen by the lovely midwives and NP’s at PP. I don’t think there is any legal issues with this, though it might piss people off. PP’s services are open to minors, she could technically take a year long bus ride for that 30 miles and talk to whoever she wants and those people wouldn’t be in trouble. I know there is a family planning clinic closer to you all though that just isn’t a PP. I’m all for A, B and C. Though condoms can be got at any age so that part shouldn’t be hard for her.
So any malls, stores etc nearby to that clinic? You could say “take the kids shopping” and she could slip over to the clinic. Coming from a family where I would have NEVER discussed my desire to have sex with my parents (they would have locked me in my room forever) there are some families where it’s not just a matter of it being uncomfortable. It’s simply not discussed because it’s not an option. Abstinence is viewed as not being an option and if it came down to safe or not safe I would be thinking about helping her too.
I have not read the other comments (as is my usual) so I might be repeating info or might be going against the grain. I’m used to both.
If it were me -
I would have a sit down with the girl and find out what her version of sex is. Find out what she knows. Give her real info. Point her to Scarleteen. (Although she might not be able to look at that site at school or home.) And, depending on that convo, the next step is to either drop it until it comes up again or take her to PP. Seriously. She doesn’t just need condoms if she is going to be sexually active. She needs chemical birth control as condoms have the potential to break or people get stupid and poke holes in them for fun or whatever. Either the pill (which her parents might find) or the Depo shot, which is once every 12wks and can either cause crazy bleeding or make the bleeding stop altogether (which is what it does for me, although I don’t use it anymore). And there are risks with both – it’s chemicals that are put in the body.
If she is in high school, then PP will see her without parental permission, and they will defend the right of the child as well as the right of the responsible adult who brought the child in. Yes, age of consent is 18, however teens are having sex all the time and it really is our job as a society to make sure they are being as safe as possible – especially since this country is overrun with babies no one seems to want, teens being kicked out of homes that don’t approve, and teens committing suicide or having abortions or babies when they are just babies themselves. I realize that parents should be able to raise their children with their own belief system, and sometimes that means no convos about sex at all. But that’s just not smart. And I have no problem telling parents that. But that’s me…
If she’s old enough to be thinking about sex, she’s old enough to be thinking about the real consequences. Who’s going to take care of the baby that might show up? Condoms fail. Chemical birth control fails. Nothing is completely safe except abstinence and/or mutual masturbation far enough away from each other that fluids don’t connect with bodies and every one showers immediately afterwards (sperm can live a long time, ya know). So who’s going to raise the baby? Does potential baby-daddy have a job? Will they have an abortion? What about the drama that comes with that? Will they put the baby up for adoption? What about all the babies that are already in the system? Or do they know someone who will take the baby? What will their parents do? Will they kick them out, or let them stay? Where will they go? These are real life questions that adults have to consider (or should) when having sex. If they are old enough to talk about it, then they are old enough to talk about this, too. Are they really ready for it all? Because it could all happen.
Good luck…
I think it would be a combination of the two comments you’ve already received. I totally have told Sprog from the word go (in my case when he turned 10) that if you aren’t mature enough to discuss being safe and making sure you have the protection you need, then you aren’t mature enough to handle sex and ALL it’s ramifications because HELLO pregnancy is only ONE of those things. STD’s are another and we’ve gone into all of those, although now I hear there is one resistant to all forms of antibiotics so I’ll have to inform that my jokes about his peen rotting and falling off may not have been jokes (I’m cruel) anyway…I’ve informed about HPV and how so many sexually active people are carriers but yet don’t even know it and women can actually get CANCER from sex. And while all that is scary (DEATH! DISEASE! PREGNANCY!) I don’t think it does to forget the bigger picture in a sexually active teen’s relationship, the one where they probably aren’t going to be together forever, they don’t know what the hell they are doing sexually anyway and being some dude’s conquest for what is sure to bad sex? What the hell is the point of that shit?
We actually just had this conversation the other day because our next door neighbor girl apparently has herself quite the reputation (that she seems to be well earning) and several of the girls Sprog has gone out with (for like a week! a week!) have told him that they wanted to have sex with him and he was pointing out how his relationships never last long enough to get to that point. I told him I was glad that they hadn’t, not just because I’d rather my own child wait until he was mature and in a REAL relationship but because I know that many teenaged girls (and hell let’s be honest, women) think that sex=love and then hate themselves for it later. He regaled me with a story of these two kids he knows that have sex before class during the school year all the time and how the girl encouraged it and yet the dude was bragging about hanging his used condoms in the tree after. My retort was how incredibly romantic that must be to have sex on a dead end street outside in the Texas heat and humidity with the bugs next to a used condom tree before rushing off to class; every girl’s DREAM. He laughed but it made the point because he asked why she would encourage it if she wasn’t into it and I asked him what the rest of their relationship was like, was this dude super sweet and kind to this girl? Did he dote on her, take care of her? Did they joke around and seem comfortable together? Of course all the answers were no, he seemed aloof and was a star athlete, lots of girls were trying to date this douchebag. Point proven.
The stupid things that Sprog’s friends think re: sex? UGH. Of course, the sex ed course they taught in health that mainly talked about Syphilis and how it would make you CRAZY and preached abstinence, didn’t really help and I had a lot of work to undo every day when he got home, but I’m sure many parents left it as is. Our teen pregnancy rate is high here. So high that there is a DAY CARE in the high school, but let’s not talk about being safe, right? UGH infuriating.
It’s a slippery slope when dealing with other people’s children. I think Swistle has the right balance of encouragement to be more mature and research (AND THINK) and ultimately being a net to catch if she’s falls and makes the wrong choice.
Well- I’m one of those who confided in my best friend’s mom… she took me to PP for BCP when I was 16. I hid them in my bedroom closet on the top shelf under a pile of clothes.
My parents never talked to me about sex- for many reasons, we just didn’t have one of “those” kinds of relationships. I got my info thru friends- and boys. In hindsite I was too immature and naïve to be sexually active- not that anyone could have stopped me, but at least I had enough (?) sense to not want to get pregnant.
Thankfully my parents never found out. Or they did and they never said anything.
Now I’m 33. I was so jealous of the relationship my friend had with her mother- but it encouraged me to be *that* mom to my girls.
My advice? Be *that* mom to her. But cover your ass. People are weird. ;o)
I’m pretty sure there would be some liability involved in this for you, so, um, cover your ass. Are there any public transportation options to Planned Parenthood?
I’d be straight with the girl and tell her that you cannot make medical decisions for her, and if she’s old enough and mature enough to decide to have sex, she is old enough and mature enough to talk to her parents about birth control. And if she can’t do the responsible thing, or if she’s ashamed to talk about it, then maybe she’s not really ready. Which is totally NOT what a teenager wants to hear, of course. But, also, bus schedules.
And of course, pregnancy is the main concern of teenagers. STDs are secondary. Sigh.
This is very very tricky. My first impulse is that YES you should help her: give her info, give her a ride, etc. Because if one of my kids wasn’t able to talk to me for whatever reason, or if I inadvertently left out some important info, I would SO WANT for them to get help from another mother. But then I realized I was thinking about this from THAT point of view: from the point of view of someone wants her child to have information and birth control and STD protection, even if my child is what I’d consider too young. Whereas her parents DON’T feel that way. So then I set up a hypothetical where I imagined an adult helping my child in the OPPOSITE way I’d want her helped—and that’s when I lost confidence. Then it seems like a more sophisticated breach of the concept that One Does Not Thwart Another Parent’s Parenting: one does not sneak a cookie or candy to a child whose parent doesn’t want him to have one of the ingredients in it; one does not sneak someone else’s child to church; one does not allow someone else’s child to watch an R-rated movie when that child’s parents have said no; etc.
But in this case, I think this child has reached the age where it is her job to start breaking from her parents and forming her own opinions and making her own decisions—and in some cases, that means she needs to use resources at her disposal to live her life the way she sees fit. Another parent shouldn’t, for example, buy her alcohol—but if she has decided she wants information about something, it’s her job to research it and get the information from a reliable, caring source. And if she makes her own decision about an action to take based on that information, but then needs a ride to put that decision into action, it seems okay for her to ask for ride.
I THINK I’m coming down to an analogy where my child decides he wants to investigate religion, but he doesn’t want to ask me for information because he knows how I feel about it. So then do I want him to find a responsible, kind, intelligent person who is also a parent and cares about children in general, and do I want him to ask this adult for information? And if he wanted to attend church, would I be okay with that parent giving him a ride? It is a mental struggle because it’s not the way I WISH he’d live his life, but on paper I DO want him to be able to make that sort of decision for himself and then act on it in responsible ways (not asking a cultish type for info, not hitchhiking to church, etc.).
I think if it were me, I would tread lightly and keep the other parents in mind. I wouldn’t want another parent to LEAP on my child’s tentative question about religion, for example; I’d want them to be cautious and respectful of my rights to parent my child as I thought was best, and to keep in mind that this was an on-the-line sort of situation. I would try to give her the kind of info I could imagine a teacher at school giving her, or I might recommend some good books instead—it seems like there are a lot of books now for pre-teens and teens. I might not give her a ride myself, but I would help her come up with ideas for her to get there: does she have any friends with licenses? is there a bus? etc. (If there wasn’t any other way, I would reconsider on the ride thing. Perhaps I might arrange to drop her at a store a block away from the clinic.) It seems like if she’s not old enough to figure out how to get somewhere half an hour away, she might not be old enough to choose her own path here—but if she’s not old enough AND SHE’S GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY, then I think I would assist.