*Squeeesh*

So, we know that I make up ridiculous stories all the time, right? Not here, on Sam’s Stories, but in my everyday nerdy twelve year old boy life that I live while being a thirty-seven year old woman raising three boys. In my house we have this thing, whenever someone is put down, insulted, or gets their hopes dashed we call it “stepping on your dick” or alternately “stepping on your penis.” Or whatever euphemism we are using that day for cock. Some days we are exceptionally lazy and/or there are small and/or churchy people listening so we just say, “Squeeesh.” It is known that this is the sound a dick makes when you step on it.

Today Chicken and I were driving down to San Diego to have lunch with a bunch of older churchy ladies. Sometimes this means that we (I) have to get out all the naughty thoughts BEFORE the encounter otherwise I might yell, “GLORY HOLE!” in the middle of lunch and that is really mortifying. Especially when I feel compelled to then explain what a glory hole is and then how I came to know this bit of information. Public service announcement: I would avoid searching the interwebs for “glory hole” and then clicking on a link to glory hole dot com. Let’s just say I took one for the team there, okay?

For some reason, the combination of glory holes and *squeesh* clicked something in my brain. You might have noticed that I have not been the same Sam lately, where lately means the past four years. I think I am finally in a place with my crazies that I can be creatively crazy. Does that make sense? Whatever. You’re going to read this story that I made up in my head today and you’re going to shake your head and say, “That Sam. There’s some fucked up shit going on in her head.”

It started with me trying to imagine actually stepping on someone’s dick. It is probably not easy to step on a dick. What about several dicks, a veritable walkway of dicks? But how would one DO such a thing? Dicks are positioned in such a way that stepping on them is difficult. This is likely on purpose and not a design flaw. Maybe lining up men laying on their sides, where the men form two lines facing each other would work?

I realized that their penises would have to be very long, and your stride would also have to be long in order to step on more than one or two dicks every six feet or so. You could use very short men, but it still did not seem like a satisfying dick *squeesh* time. Then I had the ultimate idea. You build a glory hole platform, where there is a walkway at exactly the same height as the men’s erect penises. The men form two lines, standing next to each other and facing the opposite line. Their penises go into the glory holes (at this point you just have to know what a glory hole is, okay?) and the glory holes are right above the height of the walkway.

Are you picturing this in your head?

I am not skilled whatsoever in MS Paint, but you get the idea. The Ultimate Squeesh. The most squeesh per square foot. I believe this would be a satisfying sort of therapy for men or women that had a little anger toward men or just penises.

Moments later, we were at Olive Garden for lunch with my mother and her cronies. I should call them older ladies, but really, honestly, I call them cronies. Except one or two that I actually like. During this lunch, one of the ladies mentioned that Chicken has REALLY grown tall recently, “Almost as if he was wearing heels, ha ha ha!” Chicken said, “Why that is because I am!” and sadly only he was smart enough to catch the look on my mother’s face before it returned to blank church lady stare. Chicken recently spent his allowance on these shoes, which oddly do not photograph as adorable as they are in person. They’re his new favorite shoes. I need to photograph his wall of shoes someday.

There were two other items of note during lunch. One, Olive Garden now has a gluten free menu. It is limited and the service was beyond poor, but I had pasta! In a restaurant! Lastly, someone asked what Egg and Coop are wearing for Halloween. Coop is going to be a chicken, which is terribly confusing for this blog but shall be super adorable. Many thanks to my dentist friend for handing the costume down to us. Egg is going to be a ladybug. Did you know that all ladybug costumes are girl costumes? Did you also know that Egg could give two shits what church ladies think about his costume? One of them mentioned that he should be a MAN BUG. Because such thing exists, right? A male ladybug is a manbug. Of course it is.