I feel somewhat bad for disappearing without notice and then coming back only to ask for your help. But not bad enough to stop writing this and write a real post for you. I do have actual blog worthy news though! Chicken came out to his father. His father was receptive. I am fucking stunned. STUNNED.
Chicken goes to a talk therapist type person and he had been discussing coming out to his father. I made it a rule that Chicken was not allowed to fly out to see his father until he had come out to him. It has been almost three years since Chicken visited him, and I was afraid his father would flip out upon seeing his rainbow of awesome. Chicken wrote an email with his therapist, and then came home and sent it. I am so proud of him. REALLY PROUD.
His father (aka H1) replied within a few hours. The essence of the reply was “I’ve known for a long time, I love you, etc.” While I am so glad for him, it puts me once again in the position of the bad guy. H1 believes it is my turn to pay for plane tickets. I believe H1 owes me 50% of the medical bills from the last few years per our divorce papers.
I had an appointment with a lawyer and was too sick to drive with the littles to San Diego. Then I sat with the idea of spending LOTS of money attempting to get money from H1 and just couldn’t make another appointment. I might have another option, but then I had ideas. A single two part idea actually. Because I’m complicated like that. First I sent him an email to the same address Chicken emailed his coming out story. I know it is a current email and I know he checks it. What follows is most of the email. I took out some issues I’ve had with Tricare and changed Chicken’s name. You’re welcome.
“Chicken told me you two have been talking and I think that is very good for him. He’d really benefit from having a better relationship with you. Chicken also said that you’d like to have him visit this summer. That is fine with me. Chicken also said that you indicated it was my turn to pay for plane tickets. If you recall, you’ve been paying for plane tickets and I’ve been paying all the medical costs each year. In past years when you’ve seen him once during the year and my medical costs have been about equivalent things have worked out evenly.
However, you haven’t seen Chicken in almost three years and his medical costs have increased dramatically. He is getting braces later this month as well. The point of this email is to say that I need you to pay your part of Chicken’s medical bills per our divorce. I cannot do it on my own. I would prefer not to spend money on a lawyer that could be spent on Chicken. Could you please work with me on this? In the past you have ignored some emails from me, so I will take no response to mean you do not wish to help pay medical costs for Chicken.”
H1 is active duty Navy. I believe the Navy frowns at not paying for medical bills for your children. So I need your help, my dear bloggy readers. I have his name, his social, and possibly his rank if he hasn’t been promoted lately. I don’t know what base he’s stationed at because the area he lives in has multiple bases. How do I go about crawling up someone’s ass and getting help with Chicken’s medical bills without a lawyer?
First, FUCK YES. I’m so happy for chicken. His relationship with his father is difficult enough…
Second, when we see you or if you feel up to a phone call you should talk to AF. She can’t represent you cuz of that silly state-by-state bar thingy, but she’s done some interstate stuff and I’m sure she can give you guidance. All you probably have to do is get a hearing for enforcement which would force H1 to go to CA or talk to a judge on the phone and maybe he’ll pull his head out of his ass. There is a lot you can do without a lawyer. Or if you can find someone willing, AF sometimes guides people so they can adequately represent themselves in court–helping with filing the right documents and whatnot. Another thing is if you can find someone fresh out of law school, they tend to be cheap and eager. Perhaps contacting law schools or the bar association you might be able to find someone who is starting a practice. HEART!
OH, also, I think you can ask him to be required to pay your attorney’s fees for having to call him on his shit.
What a relief, Sam! I’ll be sure to let Chicken know how proud I am of him. It’s a start, and the little I know about H1 tells me he’s the sort that needs to go slow with these adaptations.
Hey there.
I waited to see who could give you info because I don’t know how to go about that either. But there must be a division or office concerned with dead beat dads in the military. I’m sure google could offer up a few choices. There are plenty of ways to track down where he is stationed and who commands that base. Even if you have to go through Washington D.C.
I’m glad that chicken got a good response. At least he got a response, either way. Writing out the script was a benefit for him, well done chicken. Keep your nose to the grindstone. Persistence gets answers.
Jeremy
Wow, that is a huge relief! I wish I could be more help on the legal-eagle BS, but I’ve been on the fence myself – really need to bust MY H1′s ass, get him to step up to the plate & help MOAH as Z enters high school…
(but I haven’t found the right tools for the job, yet)
Whatever choice I make (other than rolling over, continuing to be grateful for the pittance that he sends, & keeping quiet) – I’m afraid M’s response will be overblown & catastrophic, as is typical for him. I am thinking if I can hold out until Z is 16 or so, if I file w/the AG then, and it comes down to a big court battle, Z will almost be out of harm’s way in any case. Still meditating upon it.
I think Essie’s idea is a good one. I’d also add in that you’d be forwarding a letter to his CO if he fails to respond. I know you don’t know the base he is station at, but I’d just send the letter to all of the COs in the area. My guess is that they would all forward the letter to his base anyway. (extra umph and effect! He will definitely know you mean business after that!)
I have heard that if you contact a military person’s supervisor, you can get the military involved in monetary disputes between divorcees. And, there might be someone who can help you for free on a base near you. Worth a couple phone calls, at least.
Hurray for Chicken, though – that takes a lot of courage!
I used to do some sub-contract writing/editing work for the US Military & one program I wrote about is called the Family Advocacy Program. It targets abuse, but it might be a good place to start – totally confidential. also, one of the military support sites says this:
Legal Assistance
Active-duty members, activated Reserve and Guard members, and their family members are eligible to seek legal aid and assistance from any military installation where there is a legal assistance office. A Legal Assistance Officer provides counseling and assistance with personal legal problems, claims services, and trial defense services. Legal advice and assistance available.
Wills, powers of attorney, and bills of sale. Domestic relations (adoption, separation, nonsupport) Change of name, notarizations, civil rights, depositions. Citizenship, immigration, and passports. Damage to personal property. Referral to civilian lawyers when appropriate.
Cute photo! I was thinking about this late last night… (who says weed makes you dumb?? not me!) Here is another option:
Write a more formal letter, attach copies of the CVS print-out, any dental/ortho/therapist invoices and send it to his home address as Certified Mail.
I suggest adding a spreadsheet or a table with all the expenses you have incurred so far and type out what amount exactly he is supposed to chip in. You may want to send it to his work address (on base) if you can find that, for the extras “I’m not fucking kidding” factor. I make a monthly CoPay spreadsheet for any medical related among other expenses, attach the receipts and so on.
Mention in said letter how this is your last attempt to settle this issue for a particular date between you two. If he doesn’t pay up for a said date: get a lawyer!
No idea on the legal stuff but I agree with Carolyn. Yay for H1′s response to Chicken coming out. I also think that the email you sent was very well worded and I hope it is something you’re able to work out.
Okay, I am NO help with the legal end of things (though I thought your email to H1 sounded absolutely perfect!) but I just wanted to say a huge, “HOORAY!” for him gracefully responding to Chicken’s email! He sounds like a huge dick in most regards, but isn’t it wonderful that at least this one time (and this one HUGE issue!) he came through like a father should? “Yay!” for being able to put that one particular situation to rest!