Forking Ridiculous

Are you familiar with the teenage phenomenon known as forking? I think the first time I heard about it was fifteen years ago. Remember the glory days where a slumber party led to a group of overly giggly and sober girls throwing toilet paper around a neighbor’s trees? In some parts this has been replaced by forking.

I’m lazy and slightly handicapped. I need to use my spoons sparingly. I do not want to waste my precious time climbing trees and removing toilet paper from my front lawn. I am pretending my one tiny three year old tree can be climbed by anything more weighty than a tiny kitten without falling down. I think forking is a fantastic way to prank someone without being a fucking asshole.

Last night Chicken’s best friend Cheerio decided to fork our lawn. She has a couple of foreign exchange students living with her and they had never heard of such a thing. In two cars Cheerio, her parents, her younger sister, and the foreign exchange students drove across town at 10:00pm with three hundred forks and forked the fuck out of our front lawn. Everything was going well until the people living two houses away from us approached Cheerio and her entourage.

I wasn’t outside when the drama happened, but Cheerio’s mom filled me in on the details. Try to imagine a very petite schoolteacher, her family, and her foreign exchange students in my front yard. They do not look suspicious, they’re not huge and covered with upside down crosses or wearing gang attire. They’re not armed or drunk or loud. They’re carrying FORKS people. White cheap plastic forks. The sweet schoolteacher mom is trying to introduce a little silly American culture to the foreign exchange students when my belligerent neighbors come up and start losing their fucking shit all over her.

My neighbors approached them and demanded to know what was happening. When Cheerio’s mom tried to explain that they were forking Chicken’s lawn as a prank and her daughter is Chicken’s best friend the neighbors claimed there is no teenager living at our address. We’ve lived here since October 2008!! The neighbors assert only a toddler lives here, and called the very sweet schoolteacher a CUNT. Then one neighbor person had to hold back the other neighbor person because she was about to kick the schoolteacher’s ass. As in, a physical fight in my front lawn because there are some plastic forks threatening my lawn’s purity. The neighbors retreat to their driveway, threatening to call the cops.

Adam got me out of bed to see the forking lawn and greet Cheerio and family. We chatted, I was stunned at the crazy assed neighbor scene, and I eyeballed the neighbors. It looked like they were having a tailgate party in their driveway. That’s odd, right? Cheerio and her people drove away in two cars as the motherfucking cops show up. Now, I have not had one interaction with the police other than speeding tickets (1993 and 2002) in my adult life. I find it ridiculously simple to avoid interacting with the police. Some people, however, find police drama spices up their life.

The police car parked right in front of the tailgating and one of the neighbors walked up to talk to the policeman. I spent a minute standing on my lawn contemplating my next move. I already took my night muscle relaxer and don’t want to come off as slightly inebriated to the cop. On the other hand, I’d like to clear up the ridiculous fucking drama that is not even the tiniest bit of drama. So I took one for the team and approached the cop.

My neighbors claimed their were two suspicious cars parked on our street and there were adult people doing something suspicious. Now, I’d call it “Responsible parents driving their children to pull a harmless prank on a friend at an entirely reasonable time of night” but I’m not going to argue with them about it. I explain forking to the police officer. He has never heard of it. I was amused. He introduced himself to me, and we shake hands like grown-ups. He shined his flashlight on my lawn. He was amused. I omitted the part where my neighbors tried to start a physical fight and called a nice lady a cunt*. The policeman drove away.

*I find nothing wrong with calling someone a cunt if the person or situation calls for it. Use your curse words responsibly people!