I moved last month into a house that is perfectly normal in most every way with the exception of my next door neighbor. I need to give her a blog name but currently my creative side is kaput. For the moment, how about Neighbor Lady? Yes, awesome and inspiring I am. Neighbor Lady is the most bestest neighbor I could ever hope for in a million years. When she is at my house and my back is turned my grocery list (a whiteboard on my fridge) ends up looking like this:
- Soy milk
- KY Jelly
- Lunch meat
- Anal beads
- Cock ring
Need I say more? She’s funny and vulgar, has a suspicious addiction to Myspace (she’s younger than I am so I give her a pass on that), has two kids and is married. She is also in the middle of an IVF cycle to get knocked up for a nice couple. I’ve been curious about gestational surrogacy in the past and now I get to see it right next door! How exciting! I’ve never had a neighbor friend before, so having someone that I can bug for a cup of ice (yes, I needed REALLY cold water and was out of ice) is fantastic. She is a SAHM, which means someone that I can bug during the new mother times when I can’t be bothered to leave the house with more than pajamas on but still need adult interaction. WIN! WIN! My only problem is that a recent friendship turned horribly wrong has left me slightly jaded in the new friend department. What if she freaks the fuck out and threatens to ruin my life, my family, and my career (ha ha ha career!)? Oh, you say that kind of thing only happens on the innernets? Well I certainly fucking hope so.
A few of you mentioned that this blog could turn into a “All Chicken All The Time” blog and it would be a vast improvement. Or something like that, right? Sadly, the chickens aren’t interesting enough for that much posting goodness. However! I do have a short chicken story. This weekend, the Sam household was in the backyard building a chicken coop for The Girls. I have started to call them The Girls in hopes that they all cooperate and turn out to be girls. The Girls prefer to stay in group formation at all times, wandering around the backyard pecking at bits of nothing in the weeds. Reina Cat Full of Fear and Fascination decided to stalk the chickens in full-on crouched down “I’m a big cat and going to run you down and then I don’t know what will happen” mode. Creeping forward she drew closer to The Girls, inching her way to victory over Fear of Chickens.
It was all going so well until The Girls noticed Reina and began to charge her with exciting squeals of “HI FRIEND! OMG IT’S FRIEND!! HI!! FRIEND!!” This sounds like “cluck cluck cluck” to the untrained ear but trust me-those chickens were delighted to see their indoor friend outside in the great beyond. As they ran to greet Reina, the poor cat lost her shit, turned tail, ran away, and tried to hide behind the air conditioning unit. I can’t wait until George is full grown, because she will weigh just as much as Reina. HA HA HA. Can you imagine? Actually, through the marvels of the innernets, you don’t have to imagine shit. This is a picture of a full-grown Black Jersey Giant hen. You know what is more fun than searching for hens? Searching for Black Jersey Giant cock. My life is very full and interesting, huh?