This is the first in a series of posts about Asperger’s Syndrome. It has been living in the back of my brain for months, taking up precious space and time that I don’t really want to lend out anymore. I need to spew it out onto the innernets. I need to be able to talk about this subject, to get advice, support, to vent, to cuss up a motherfucking storm if need be. I need mah peeps.
A former friend of mine diagnosed herself and many other people with Asperger’s Syndrome, including myself and Chicken. I’m not here to argue the validity of her armchair diagnosis of people not in my immediate family. However, I can say that it is amusing to me that the one person she did not diagnosis does in fact have Asperger’s Syndrome. My husband, Adam, is an Aspie.
I’d like Adam to guest post to tell his story, but for now I will clumsily tackle the topic. Somewhere on these here innernets, someone recommended seeing the movie Mozart and the Whale. It is a love story about two Aspies+. Adam and I sat down to watch it one evening at home and came away with very different feelings about the movie. My thoughts were, “I don’t identify with them. It must be so difficult to live in a neurotypical world when you have an Asperger’s brain. How do they succeed? How do they cope?” My husband did not remark on the movie at the time, but his brain was thinking thoughts of an altogether different kind.
Six months later, Adam got in trouble at work. He came home visibly upset and told me what happened. Then he casually remarked, “Remember that movie we saw about Asperger’s Syndrome? I think I have it. I’ve been doing a lot of research on it.” My response was something like OMGWTFBBQ?!?! and then “oooooohhhhhhh” and another “Oh. My. God. (imagine me saying this very drawn out and dramatic like) it all makes sense.” Followed by many more OMGWTFBBQ in my head as prior knowledge and current experience collided violently in my brain.
You see, when my old friend diagnosed ME as an Aspie I did a lot of research on the subject. Although I came to the conclusion that I was not an Aspie I did have a fairly robust body of knowledge rattling around my noggin. For the first time I looked at my husband and the majority of his behavior made sense. Adam is brilliant, however he misses social cues that neurotypical children master. He is skilled with his hands, but it takes him great effort and concentration because he is clumsy. His attention to detail is astounding, but he will miss things completely that aren’t on his radar. When he is interested in a subject he goes balls to the fucking wall on it. Researching, talking, researching, talking, did I mention the talking? Aspies tend to have trouble realizing when someone is bored, tired, or annoyed with a conversation. They continue talking beyond the socially accepted amount of time, giving excruciating detail in many cases. Dear GAWD this can annoy the shit out of me.
Now, my old friend was correct in some respects. Chicken and I share some Aspie traits. However, we seem to be just on this side of the neurotypical fence whereas Adam is on the other side still talking about fucking speakers. Or plants. Adam wishes he knew that he had autism fifteen years ago. He has struggled for his whole life knowing that there is something different, wanting to understand why people think he is an asshole, wondering what he is missing when he incorrectly interprets things literally. With therapy he is learning the social skills that most people learn naturally. His therapist specializes in the autism spectrum and children, so one of the first things I asked was, “OMGTHEBABY??” She evaluated Egg and he appears to be neurotypical beyond a doubt. Next we had some appointments where I join him to help work out marital issues.
Aspies tend to have “problems expressing the degree of love and affection expected by others.” (OASIS @ MAAP) It’s like being married to a man. But not just any man. A MAN x 10. One that drives me batshit crazy with his plants! plants! plants! and forgetting about the WIFE with the FEELINGS. Therapy is helping. For some reason this therapist can say, “Adam, what Sam is saying is that she needs more from you emotionally and to be more included in your life, ” and the motherfucker gets it. She says it in a special language that only dolphins can hear or something. But he gets it. When I say it? It sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher in super bitchy nag mode.
It is still a work in progress, but we are learning so much about each other. Adam’s peers and management have noticed the difference although he has yet to tell them of the diagnosis. Therapy and an official diagnosis have changed all of our lives.
OMG!! I go away for a few minutes and Egg is grown!!
:):)
I’m glad hubby is doing well with therapy..
I have a friend (serious IT geek/guru) who found out that he had it when he was 46.. Been in therapy for 7 years and it’s made a WORLD of difference.. Could. not. stand. him. before.
Now.. Well, now he’s a really good friend..
Best of luck to you…
Wow, sweetie! That’s a lot to learn in a such a short time. I can understand why you’ve been so busy.
Take care of you and your darling family.
Much love,
V
Oh, I love this post.
It gives me hope for my AS kids who feel like they will never find anyone who gets them, never find anyone to marry or be life-partners with.
Awesome that he’s self-aware and that you’re both researching and working on stuff. So awesome.
Took me a while to figure out comments, too. [Go me!]
A former therapist diagnosed my ex on the Aspie spectrum, which did give me some insight/empathy/whatever although after a bit I wanted her to help ME w/MY PROBLEMS rather than diagnosing everyone ELSE…
Glad the therapy is helping on all fronts!
Ok. After all this time, I’ve finally figured out I can comment. I hereby declare myself an idiot!
The fact that Adam diagnosed himself and willingly sought therapy speaks volumes about him and his desire to improve his life. I hope that the diagnosis and therapy continue to make all of your lives richer.
Much love to you!
Wow. That’s a lot. I’m glad that the therapy is helping make a difference. It seems like it would be a relief to have a name for what is going on and a way to look at working with it. I hope the therapy continues to help.
I think I recommended the movie. I know I watched it and had said something in a blog post because I liked it so well. I didn’t know anyone had paid attention to me though.
My 9yo DD is an aspie. I so get you on the talking someone to death issue it has got to be the most annoying of all her traits.
K has all the characteristics except tending toward the literal. He’s pretty good at getting that distinction. Everything else is spot on. My bro is Aspie, but he should probably be diagnosed full on autistic. He spends like 90% of his awake time rocking. Don’t know why this never clued anyone in until he was in his late teens. So, did you find Adam “odd” when you first met? What did you think? I’m trying to imagine my kid grown up, and I can’t do it.
It must have been hard to sit on that kind of life-altering information for so long, what a lot to deal with! I’ve never worked with adults on the spectrum, but if you ever want to talk or vent about it, I would at least understand what you’re talking about!
Interesting that the armchair analyst totally missed the mark. Dontcha love unsolicited opinions? Heh.
What a relief it must be to have a name for what happens. Thanks for posting this.
And I’m totally stealing. OMGWTFBBQ.
I was sitting here thinking, “Aspie’s sounds so silly, so almost offensive.” But then I was all, “Well, Perger’s could be confused with bulemics… I guess they could try Ger’s, or maybe Perg’s” but really, what I think about when I think about asperger’s syndrome is Ass Burgers. So, you know, irreverent, but I picture Adam’s ass as a burger.
I’m glad you talked about it. People get all Oooooh, mylanta! When they hear words like autism or aspergers, but if you’re gonna be an autsie, be an ass burger. Especially if you’re male, because like you say, it’s…well…man x10.
How insulting has this comment been?
My eldest went to a pediatric neurologist at age 3 because the pediatrician was pretty sure he had Aspberger’s. He DOESN’T (probably)—but the neurologist said he could see why the pediatrician thought so, and also that my eldest is “just on the edge of the spectrum.” Er, my point? I don’t seem to have one. My brain just went, “OMG Aspberger’s, I know that word!!”
Hey Sam
As you know all my 3 kids have been diagnosed as an Aspy and eventho their traits may be a bit different, they are all socially a bit awkward. They get Pragmatic speech therapy at their school as wel as bi-weekly therapy and meds. They’re extroverts but it’s hard to retain friendships since they’re considered weird at times. I will bring my 13 year old to meet your 13 year old lol. She’s obsessed about animals (and again doesn’t know when to drop the topic…)
Highly creative, intelligent yet socially different.
Regarding the husband part: I’m quite sure Mr. Ex aka kids’ dad, is a full blown Aspy. He gets so involved in his work he forgets he was supposed to go home 5 hours ago. That shit happened on a multiple times a week basis. Highly frustrating…. Unlike Adam, he has never sought help, since his arrogant attitude makes he wrongly think he needs no help. Sigh.
This must be a difficult and yet strangely liberating topic for you. To know that there’s something there that you can’t quite put your finger on and suddenly have the light shine on it…
wow. Seriously. Wow. I am so glad that you are blogging about this. And I hope that one day your husband feels like he could share what it feels like as well- because I bet it has got to be tough to explain to someone that just isn’t in it or married to it.
xo
I sent you a text.
((you))
peace…